Square peg, round hole

Have you ever heard the definition of insanity?  Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Hmmmm...


This is what I've been feeling alot like latley.  I have been getting frustrated because I can't do the things I used to do the same way as before Lola was born.  Like have devotions without having to take a break to change a diaper...and my pjs cause the diaper apparently didn't work so well :/  or cleaning the apartment with a baby attached to my hip, or doing practically anything one handed.  It's a crazy world, let me tell you!  


There have always been points in my life, when the way I did things needed to change.  Whether that be because I wanted better results, or because my circumstances changed and it just wasn't practical to keep moving in the same direction.  


I can't for the life of me figure out why this time it is so hard for me to let go of these old ways of doing things.  I know I'm stubborn, but this is ridiculous!  I heard a song recently about letting go of what is sure for something more.  Maybe this is the source of my hesitation, fear of the unknown.  What greater unknown than the future and motherhood.  Typing those words even gives me a little anxiety.

I've never ventured out on something where I had NO CLUE what I was doing and it had such a major impact on someones life, someone who I love more than anything.  (now typing with one hand :) Being a parent is making me trust God more.  I have to, its either that or lose my mind with worry. 


There has to be a better way out there somewhere, I just need to hold onto God until I figure that out and not give up!

Lay it all out there...

To be completely honest, my time with God has been a little lack luster and mundane lately.  Mainly consisting of reading a chapter and a cry out to God to give me strength.  Not that there is anything necessarily wrong with this, but it wasn't really helping me to grow or make any changes in my life, just basically survive. 

Yesterday, God laid it on my heart to change it up a little. I picked up My Utmost for His Highest, always an encouragement to me and a good place to start over.  I read the entry for June 11th, entitled "Getting There" It was speaking about the verse in Matthew 11:28  " Come to Me...".  The author says," Our Lord's words are not 'Do this or don't do that', but-'Come to me', If I will simply come to Jesus, my real life will be brought into harmony with my real desires.  I will actually cease from sin and will find the song of the Lord beginning in my life".

This struck me right where I needed it.  It's so easy to get discouraged, get in a rut and then try to find a new way out. I like to make plans and checklists...10 steps to a better day...is usually how I try to feel better and solve my issues.  But there is a GIGANTIC step I am missing!!!  Coming to Jesus!  My quick and somewhat desperate pleas for Jesus to give me strength each morning are a start, but as my day progresses, my dependance wanes.  I give in to temptation to wallow in my situation or give up trying and just be lazy.  I give into my thoughts of inadequacy and each night have to face the daunting fact that I failed again.  Coming to Jesus and bringing out thoughts and concerns, sins and struggles, isn't the natural step, but I must say that since yesterday morning, it has been far easier at the end of the day to look back on some of my struggles that day and rest in the fact, that God is working.  I came to Him for strength and He was faithful to provide it.  He isn't just content in being compartmentalized into a blanket prayer each morning, but  believe that He wants to be an integral part of our day, every moment.

I pray that I continue to seek God and come to Him first and always, instead of trying frantically to come up with the next great thing to save me. 

life as we knew it...

Gone are the days of anything familiar.  Having a baby has been the hardest thing I have ever done, and I'm not talking about the labor.  It challenges every part of me.  Nothing is as it was before, relationships, daily tasks, going out, talking on the phone...it's as if I was reincarnated and came back as a mother.  I never really think I could quite grasp this a month ago, before Lola was more than just a dream and an ultrasound.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining, this is most definitely a gift and a blessing but I'm just putting onto a computer screen what is rolling around in my head.  This experience thus far has been full of ups as well as change.  Lola is what I live for, in so many ways.    She is what I am constantly thinking about, planning and dreaming for.   Though this comes at a price, of sorts, a disconnect from the world around me.  Or maybe it's just a new way of connecting that I haven't quite mastered.

What they say is true, you do appreciate your parents on a whole new level, once you yourself experience parenthood.  Oh, how I regret not being more verbally grateful for my mom and all she did for me, although I never could have understood her sacrifice fully until now.

It's a molding and shaping like nothing I've ever been a apart of.  God is using this time to truly change me into something deeper and more honest.  Someone who is more unselfish and more dependent on God's strength.  This is something I did not expect from God at this time...or maybe I knew it on paper, but the reality of making the actual change is more intense than I would care to admit. 

These days are full of new emotions and experiences.  I pray that I will grab hold of God's faithfulness and not let go until He has made me into the person and mother that He wants me to be.

Lola's birth story

So I was wrong, I wasn't pregnant forever! :)  It all started on Friday night, April 22nd.  I went to bed early after drinking like a gallon of water, at 9:30.  Bryan was still up, watching TV.  I was half asleep and then all of a sudden, I felt this little gush...maybe more like a trickle.  My first thought was the water was catching up with me.  I jumped up and ran to the bathroom.  Monday, at my appointment with my midwife Kim, she has said if something like this happens to rest and if it starts coming more or I get contractions to call her.  I laid back down but about 5 minutes later, another trickle.  I got up and told Bryan, I didn't want to get his hopes up but I didn't know what was happening.

I started getting some cramping, first sporadic then about 10 minutes apart.  Finally around 11:45 we decided to call Kim.  She said she was comfortable with me staying home for 6 hours after the first sign of water, which would be 3:45 am.  She said I should set my alarm for 3 am and if I was still having symptoms to come in to the hospital.  So that's what we decided to do. I got in the shower, just in case we did end up going, I knew I could be in for a long night.   I, of course, didn't sleep a wink.  Bryan was out like a light.  I tried to wake him up twice during a contraction, but he was really in la-la land.  So I held out till 3 and then got up and got ready. I woke B up and started doubting whether I should go in or not.  Bryan thought we should just go, the worst they could say was go home, it's not time yet.

So off we went.  We got to the hospital and left our bags in the car, just in case we were on our way home soon.  We were sent straight up to labor and delivery where they already had my information that Kim had sent over just in case I decided to go in.

They brought me right to a room and had me change.  One of the first questions they asked me was if I had a birth plan and if they could have a copy.  I was impressed at their sensitivity to this and Bryan made sure everyone who wanted a copy got one.  Then the nurse checked me.  She immediately said, well, I can say for sure your water broke.  She said that Lola's head was so low that it was acting as a cork and not letting much fluid out at once.   She said I was 3 centimeters and 95% effaced.  Which was up from 1 and 70 at my appointment on Monday.  Bryan said, " So does that mean we are staying?"  and the nurse said, "Oh yes!"

The next step was to get a hep lock in and draw some blood.  My streak continues with terrible sticks.  They ended up blowing 4 veins and covering me in bruises before finding one that worked. 

The reality hadn't really set in, but the relief that an end was in sight was very nice!


A nurse from the nursery stopped in for our signature on some paperwork.  She wasn't a fan of our birth plan and made that very clear, by very maturely throwing things and stomping around...but this was the only real resistance we encountered.


The contractions stayed pretty much around 7-10 minutes apart.  Totally manageable, but very sporadic in length.  The one nurse said that we would probably have to consider pitocin because of this and that made me very worried.  I knew that this was going to be hard without drugs, but add in the increase in intensity with the pitocin and I just wasn't sure I wanted to even try it.

Kim stopped by around 8 am and checked me.  I was at 6!  Whohoo!  I'm not sure if the nurse said something to her about the pitocin, but she said, don't worry about the contractions, you are progressing great and we don't even need to think about trying anything to help you along at this point.  I was very relieved by that!

The contractions started getting more intense and Kim suggested that I try some other positions to get the progression moving faster.  I wasn't allowed to walk about because my blood pressure shot way up once I was admitted and they didn't want to risk it going up any more, which I was bummed about at first, but looking back, I don't know that I could have tolerated walking much anyways.  I asked for the birthing ball and we tried that next to the bed.  Bryan would push my hips together really hard every contraction.  It helped to lessen the pressure some.

After a little while I felt a little like I needed to push.  They had me get back in the bed and checked me.  I was only about 7-8 cm at that point.   I couldn't get back down onto the ball, so I stayed in the bed and focused on the light.  It sounds so silly to have a focal point, but it really worked for a while.  I screamed through a few contractions, but Kim got me to calm down and try to relax through them, much less intense when I did this, although you really have to concentrate and it's easy to lose focus.

I tried switching positions to my side, but that wasn't happening.  Kim said for me to try it for 10 minutes and then I could go back.  I barely made it!  I think it was totally mental, but I just couldn't lay that way.  Kim had to go do a c-section and stopped in one more time to check on me.  She checked me again and I was 8-9.  She was so encouraging and kept saying I was doing great, she really helped me stay somewhat level headed. 

At some point Bryan kept saying, "It's almost over, It's almost over!" I asked him to stop saying that cause he didn't know that! ha ha.  Kim came in right after that and said, "It's almost over!"
  Bryan just thought to himself, "oh boy, she shouldn't have said that!" :)

A little while later, Kim was on her way to another birth and stopped in to see how I was. I was honestly starting to lose my focus...and my mind, I think.  I was screaming and yelling, and wasting my energy on that.  Kim checked me one more time before she left and said those wonderful words, Your at ten!  I was excited, but scared that I would be one of those people who pushed for hours on end.  They brought in the table and what seemed like a thousand people.

The contractions were intense, but pushing was on a whole new level.  Thankfully I only had to push for 14 minutes, about 5 times. After almost 16 hours of unmedicated, no intervention labor, at 1:29 pm,  Lola Pearle Baxter was born 7 lbs, 14 oz and 19.25 inches long. My birth plan was followed to a T, and I feel truly blessed to have had the experience that I was hoping for.

The nurses first noticed her feet and how big they were, guess she got Bryan's feet :)  They laid her on me and we just looked at her for a while.  She is perfect in every way and we are so thankful for her!

patience.......

So here I sit, 39 weeks and 2 days pregnant, with my elephant-like feet, ankles and legs ( She better come soon cause if this swelling keeps moving upward we could be in serious trouble!! :)  I had all these grand plans of self induction starting once I hit 37 weeks.  Yeah, that lasted till my first appointment with Kim, when I had ZERO progress and probably less symptoms than the week before.  I read blogs and message boards about other girls who are trying desperately to start labor, using all their energy to walk 50 miles and day, eat 2 whole pineapples, choke down cod liver oil...it's exhausting just thinking about all that!  Though I may feel differently when I'm still here staring down at 42 weeks and induction, for now I am trying to relax, rest and trust God that He has a plan for me and for Lola. 

It's hard to imagine how drastically life is about to change.  Although I thought the same thing before I was married and moved half way across the country and now I really can't fathom anything else. It's crazy to watch her move around in there and to wonder what she looks like and what she is doing exactly.  At the most, only 2 weeks and 5 days till I find out the answers to all the questions I've been wondering since August.

I had a lot of braxton hicks contractions yesterday night.  I have been getting a few here and there, but last night I could actually feel them and they were pretty frequent.  But after resting for the night, I haven't had any, so it's a crazy process!

I see Kim on Monday again, hopefully to here some good news on my progress, although anything except "Push now!"  doesn't really mean a whole lot :)

The road less traveled...

So I've pretty much fallen off of the edge of the blog world.  I can't believe it's been 2 weeks since my last post.  The exhaustion of being at this point has truly taken over my life.  I feel so much like a zombie sometimes, it's scary.  I have to say this, though, with a side note that I am and have been so blessed up to this point.  People can go through horrific pregnancies or never be able to have children or suffer loss.  All that to admit that I am really learning what true physical dependence on God looks like. 

Emotional dependence was something that I came face to face with March 23, 2004, when my mom went to heaven.  Losing a part of my heart was a life changing experience, as you would expect when part of who you are dies.  That was a life lesson not to be lost. 

This time in my  life I am faced with the realization that this body is not mine, not only is it Lola's home right now, helping her to grow and develop, but it is God's.  It is His to use, to mold and shape me.  Although small as this may seem in comparison to lessons learned through death and grief, this has definitely been another defining time in my life.  I had become so used to doing what I want when I want and not really having to navigate through pain, being too tired or just not feeling well.  When you can no longer come and go as you please, sleep when you want, get up when you plan to, it's a humbling experience to say the least.  I am sure all of this is preparing me for being a mother and being able to set my self aside and do what is best for my children. Being faced with something challenging forces you to choose your mindset, faith or doubt.

Each day we are at a crossroads.  Our choices will either make us more like Christ, or less like Him.  It's hard to choose the road less traveled, but it is a choice that is never regretted. 

36 weeks and 2 days!!!!!!!!!

Whoa, time is flying...well not really, but it's had to believe we are under 4 weeks now!  Thursday I will get the all clear for her to arrive anytime and I am pretty ready!  I finished up getting her room organized and we put together everything that we got this past week, which was ALOT!  The dresser, glider and ottoman, swing, stroller...We are totally exhausted from reading all the directions :)  I got all her clothes organized and everything put away, so I feel more able to relax.  There are just a few things that I wouldn't mind grabbing, but for the most part we are ready!!

I had an appointment with Kim on Monday and it went well, I had the group b test, so I should get the results on that at the next appointment.  I'm hoping that it's clear and I won't have to be tethered to an IV during labor.  She also checked me and I am 1 centimeter dilated already!! Yeah! I know that doesn't really mean much as far as time goes, but the way I look at it, 1 down, 9 more to go :) 

I have another appointment with Kim on Monday morning so we'll see if there is any more progress.  Last night Bryan was talking to Lola and he asked her if she was coming on Friday and she kicked him :)  So either she's coming or she's already playing her first April fools joke on her dad! 

It's hard to believe that the time is finally just around the corner, but I am super excited! 

Here's some pics of Lola's side of the room :)