So I've pretty much fallen off of the edge of the blog world. I can't believe it's been 2 weeks since my last post. The exhaustion of being at this point has truly taken over my life. I feel so much like a zombie sometimes, it's scary. I have to say this, though, with a side note that I am and have been so blessed up to this point. People can go through horrific pregnancies or never be able to have children or suffer loss. All that to admit that I am really learning what true physical dependence on God looks like.
Emotional dependence was something that I came face to face with March 23, 2004, when my mom went to heaven. Losing a part of my heart was a life changing experience, as you would expect when part of who you are dies. That was a life lesson not to be lost.
This time in my life I am faced with the realization that this body is not mine, not only is it Lola's home right now, helping her to grow and develop, but it is God's. It is His to use, to mold and shape me. Although small as this may seem in comparison to lessons learned through death and grief, this has definitely been another defining time in my life. I had become so used to doing what I want when I want and not really having to navigate through pain, being too tired or just not feeling well. When you can no longer come and go as you please, sleep when you want, get up when you plan to, it's a humbling experience to say the least. I am sure all of this is preparing me for being a mother and being able to set my self aside and do what is best for my children. Being faced with something challenging forces you to choose your mindset, faith or doubt.
Each day we are at a crossroads. Our choices will either make us more like Christ, or less like Him. It's hard to choose the road less traveled, but it is a choice that is never regretted.