Sunday, June 26, 2011

Square peg, round hole

Have you ever heard the definition of insanity?  Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Hmmmm...

This is what I've been feeling alot like latley.  I have been getting frustrated because I can't do the things I used to do the same way as before Lola was born.  Like have devotions without having to take a break to change a diaper...and my pjs cause the diaper apparently didn't work so well :/  or cleaning the apartment with a baby attached to my hip, or doing practically anything one handed.  It's a crazy world, let me tell you!  

There have always been points in my life, when the way I did things needed to change.  Whether that be because I wanted better results, or because my circumstances changed and it just wasn't practical to keep moving in the same direction.  

I can't for the life of me figure out why this time it is so hard for me to let go of these old ways of doing things.  I know I'm stubborn, but this is ridiculous!  I heard a song recently about letting go of what is sure for something more.  Maybe this is the source of my hesitation, fear of the unknown.  What greater unknown than the future and motherhood.  Typing those words even gives me a little anxiety.

I've never ventured out on something where I had NO CLUE what I was doing and it had such a major impact on someones life, someone who I love more than anything.  (now typing with one hand :) Being a parent is making me trust God more.  I have to, its either that or lose my mind with worry. 

There has to be a better way out there somewhere, I just need to hold onto God until I figure that out and not give up!

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Lay it all out there...

To be completely honest, my time with God has been a little lack luster and mundane lately.  Mainly consisting of reading a chapter and a cry out to God to give me strength.  Not that there is anything necessarily wrong with this, but it wasn't really helping me to grow or make any changes in my life, just basically survive. 

Yesterday, God laid it on my heart to change it up a little. I picked up My Utmost for His Highest, always an encouragement to me and a good place to start over.  I read the entry for June 11th, entitled "Getting There" It was speaking about the verse in Matthew 11:28  " Come to Me...".  The author says," Our Lord's words are not 'Do this or don't do that', but-'Come to me', If I will simply come to Jesus, my real life will be brought into harmony with my real desires.  I will actually cease from sin and will find the song of the Lord beginning in my life".

This struck me right where I needed it.  It's so easy to get discouraged, get in a rut and then try to find a new way out. I like to make plans and checklists...10 steps to a better usually how I try to feel better and solve my issues.  But there is a GIGANTIC step I am missing!!!  Coming to Jesus!  My quick and somewhat desperate pleas for Jesus to give me strength each morning are a start, but as my day progresses, my dependance wanes.  I give in to temptation to wallow in my situation or give up trying and just be lazy.  I give into my thoughts of inadequacy and each night have to face the daunting fact that I failed again.  Coming to Jesus and bringing out thoughts and concerns, sins and struggles, isn't the natural step, but I must say that since yesterday morning, it has been far easier at the end of the day to look back on some of my struggles that day and rest in the fact, that God is working.  I came to Him for strength and He was faithful to provide it.  He isn't just content in being compartmentalized into a blanket prayer each morning, but  believe that He wants to be an integral part of our day, every moment.

I pray that I continue to seek God and come to Him first and always, instead of trying frantically to come up with the next great thing to save me.