Gone are the days of anything familiar. Having a baby has been the hardest thing I have ever done, and I'm not talking about the labor. It challenges every part of me. Nothing is as it was before, relationships, daily tasks, going out, talking on the phone...it's as if I was reincarnated and came back as a mother. I never really think I could quite grasp this a month ago, before Lola was more than just a dream and an ultrasound.
Now don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining, this is most definitely a gift and a blessing but I'm just putting onto a computer screen what is rolling around in my head. This experience thus far has been full of ups as well as change. Lola is what I live for, in so many ways. She is what I am constantly thinking about, planning and dreaming for. Though this comes at a price, of sorts, a disconnect from the world around me. Or maybe it's just a new way of connecting that I haven't quite mastered.
What they say is true, you do appreciate your parents on a whole new level, once you yourself experience parenthood. Oh, how I regret not being more verbally grateful for my mom and all she did for me, although I never could have understood her sacrifice fully until now.
It's a molding and shaping like nothing I've ever been a apart of. God is using this time to truly change me into something deeper and more honest. Someone who is more unselfish and more dependent on God's strength. This is something I did not expect from God at this time...or maybe I knew it on paper, but the reality of making the actual change is more intense than I would care to admit.
These days are full of new emotions and experiences. I pray that I will grab hold of God's faithfulness and not let go until He has made me into the person and mother that He wants me to be.