Wednesday, November 10, 2010

God's will...not mine

These past few days have been emotionally exhausting.  So exciting to see my new nephew and family.  So hard to say goodbye.  I've been really challenged to review what seeking God's will is all about.  It's so easy for me to go with my heart...that's how I live my life, what I feel translates into what I say and do.  Not always a clear translation, I'll admit, but I have no trouble reacting to what's going on inside my head.  Sometimes this comes out as passion, and I feel justified in my response, other times it is merely reactive and comes across as immature and manipulative.
My dad has been encouraging me to deny myself in this area.  Not to let those negative thoughts become predictors of my life.  I stand at a crossroads.  I have a choice to make, either go with what I am feeling in the moment, basing my decisions on this momentary idea that I have and reap the consequences of using my finite mind to select my course.  Or take one step at a time towards what God wants.  Constantly seeking Him and what He wants for my life.  The first comes with some big risks and even bigger problems.  The other is much more intense, but much more sure.  Sure in the fact that I know someone who can see and control everything is making the decisions clear and giving guidance and support.  One way is so tempting to me.  I get to be in what I hear in the back of my head...then my heart gently speaks up saying...but how do you know the outcome, how do you know that is what you truly want?  My heart has been speaking louder lately.  Pressing me to be completely dependant on God and his wisdom, rather than my roller coaster emotions.  This comes as a daunting task for me, because of the roots I have allowed this problem to grow.    But I know it is a worthwhile task to take on.  No matter what happens, I know for sure that God loves me, He will never leave me and He will provide ALL my needs.  Whoa, those are more than just Sunday School answers, they are hard core, life shattering truths!  Why am I here?  My best guess would be to make me more like Christ.  What will I chose?  It's still up for discussion at times, but I will pray the higher road...

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