Week 19!!

Lola Pearle update :)


Total weight gain: 11 lbs...This last appointment with my midwife I shot right up there!!  Must have been the almond butter kick I was on there for a while!  It's nice though to be at peace with the scale, I mean I don't wanna go crazy.  The only frustrating part is one day I'll be able to wear something and then next week it's too small.



How big is baby? thebump.com says the size of a mango


Maternity clothes: I bought one of those bebands from Target, it works pretty good.  A few of my pants I can't button anymore so with the band I can still wear them.  My jeans I still need a belt with but I have been wearing the band instead, because it is SO much more comfortable.  My sister-in-law gave me a bunch of her maternity clothes.  I have worn a few of the shirts, but don't think I need the pants quite yet.

 Stretch marks: Havn't noticed anything to much maybe a few on my legs, but I'm sure there will be more to come!!  Although they say it's genetic and my mom didn't really have many other than her legs too...so :)


Symptoms:  The nausea has gotten less, but every once in a while, probably once or twice a week it throws me for a loop. I've noticed my back is tight alittle more too, last night at yoga I felt like I was 90!!!


Sleep: Sleeping has been interesting...even though I am not that big yet, I still can't get comfortable.  Poor Bryan has to put up with me tossing and turning every 2 minutes.  I am using a extra pillow to support my back or put between my knees, but I still REALLY miss sleeping on my back!!  I also have to get up atleast once or more during the night to pee, it's a pain! But I do feel much better when I drink a ton of water. 

Movement: I can feel her every now and then when I am sitting or laying still.  It's the craziest thing!  I can't wait till it happens all the time.  When I got my ultrasound on monday she was on her head with ther legs crossed indian style and her hand down by her face.  So cute :) 


Food cravings: Nothing really that I would say I crave.  I've been on this mushroom and spinach kick for a week or two.  At first I would throw in some tofu and baked potato, but I found a new thing in our pantry, that Bryan bought probably like a decade ago :)  Bulgar with soy!  It has 10 grams of protein in a 1/2 cup!! and I just put the mushrooms and spinach in there with a few garbanzo beans...it's like protein heaven ;)


Food aversions: Ugh, I don't even wanna type it, but Mexican.  I can't even look at a Mexican restaurant when we drive by without gagging...and there are ALOT here.  Hummus turns my stomach now too and anything with seeds gives me MAJOR heartburn.


Belly button: Don't notice any change yet...


What I'm looking forward to: Getting out of this fat stage.  People look at me like, oh wow your gaining weight but they aren't brave enough to ask if I'm pregnant yet.  I just wanna have a nice little bump and not just bigger everything else :)


This will be my first official Oklahoma Thanksgiving!  We were in Costa Maya last year on our honeymoon.  So it will be nice to relax a little and enjoy a day off with family.  I'm making salad, green beans, acorn squash and some vegan pumpkin gingerbread ...yum :) 

Needs...

"My God will supply all your needs..." has been trying to wedge itself into my thoughts all day today.  It's one of those days where you just trudge through worry.  It's a constant battle and very exhausting.  I think it might partly because of some great things that happened yesterday, ironically.  We got to see our baby again on a ultrasound and found out that it is a GIRL :)  It's exciting to be able to dream with a little more direction now that we know that piece of the puzzle.  It's also brought me alot of feelings of being overwhelmed.  For a hundred different reasons.  The main ones being provision and raising a girl.  I know God will supply our needs, it's something that I have to set my mind on, let my burden down and just rest.  He knows what the future holds.  The other issue of just raising a girl overwhelms me, I think, because I know the struggles that I faced being a girl and feeling the pressures that go along with it all.  I want to set a good example and be able to have the clear testimony that God can bring you out on the other side of the struggles and that He can even use the failures too.  I guess this is one of those times when you know what to do, it's just doing it that is the kicker.  Praying that God will give me the strength to take the first step of trust and that I will lay down these things at His feet knowing that He will take care of me and my little girl.

Great Expectations

So what exactly are expectations?  Some practical people might say, preconceived demands placed on a situation.  More emotional people, like myself, like to refer to them as dreams...sounds so much more dramatic and let's me be the martyr.  Broken dreams sounds much more appealing than unmet expectations, don't you think??   But let's be real and call them expectations.
I am learning right now the importance of letting these ideas go.  It's not so much about not having the thoughts at all, as it is about not being consumed with them.  Maybe it's a form of coveting.  Wanting something to turn out a certain way so badly that it takes over your thoughts and actions.  I justify my disappointment with pity.  "It's not fair"  has run through my head several times in the past weeks. 
I think of lyrics to a song that I used to listed to alot in high school.  It talks about God having deeper dreams for us than we can imagine.  When you put it that way...letting go of something good for something amazing, it seems to easy, so obvious.  Why is it still so hard? 
It's such a process.  One day I say I can trust God with anything, He holds the future and I need to just lay my burdens down at His feet and move on with confidence that He will work it out.  The next day I am focused on what I don't have and how I can get it.  What my life needs to be and how I need to get there.  It's draining to go on this journey of constant ups and downs, but I have to hold on to God, even if I stray I have to be still and know that He is God.  He knows what will happen and what needs I will have before they are even a passing thought in my mind.  Praise God for his unending wisdom and unexplainable love!

God's will...not mine

These past few days have been emotionally exhausting.  So exciting to see my new nephew and family.  So hard to say goodbye.  I've been really challenged to review what seeking God's will is all about.  It's so easy for me to go with my heart...that's how I live my life, what I feel translates into what I say and do.  Not always a clear translation, I'll admit, but I have no trouble reacting to what's going on inside my head.  Sometimes this comes out as passion, and I feel justified in my response, other times it is merely reactive and comes across as immature and manipulative.
My dad has been encouraging me to deny myself in this area.  Not to let those negative thoughts become predictors of my life.  I stand at a crossroads.  I have a choice to make, either go with what I am feeling in the moment, basing my decisions on this momentary idea that I have and reap the consequences of using my finite mind to select my course.  Or take one step at a time towards what God wants.  Constantly seeking Him and what He wants for my life.  The first comes with some big risks and even bigger problems.  The other is much more intense, but much more sure.  Sure in the fact that I know someone who can see and control everything is making the decisions clear and giving guidance and support.  One way is so tempting to me.  I get to be in control...is what I hear in the back of my head...then my heart gently speaks up saying...but how do you know the outcome, how do you know that is what you truly want?  My heart has been speaking louder lately.  Pressing me to be completely dependant on God and his wisdom, rather than my roller coaster emotions.  This comes as a daunting task for me, because of the roots I have allowed this problem to grow.    But I know it is a worthwhile task to take on.  No matter what happens, I know for sure that God loves me, He will never leave me and He will provide ALL my needs.  Whoa, those are more than just Sunday School answers, they are hard core, life shattering truths!  Why am I here?  My best guess would be to make me more like Christ.  What will I chose?  It's still up for discussion at times, but I will pray the higher road...

I am 16 going on 17...weeks that is!

I can't believe that I am 4 months along on this journey of being pregnant.  The time drags mostly, but when I look back I can't believe I am here already!  4 more weeks and I'll be at the 1/2 way point! Craziness!!  It's really easy to get worked up about the little things (even with my personal ban from researching anything online, because quite frankly it can be terrifying!).  Sometimes I worry about if I am giving the baby everything it needs with the food I eat...which in part is aggravated by all the lovely, well meaning (I think) people who say I need to eat cake and ice cream with a side of chips and steak.  Somehow I don't really think my baby can grow it's strongest if it starts life on a steady diet of junk.  I pray for wisdom every day that I will know what is best.  But I was just sitting here thinking about our bodies and how much we don't know or understand that goes on.  WE don't hold anything together.  While I know we aren't supposed to throw caution to the wind and live recklessly, there's got to be something to say for seeking after God because He holds it all in His hands.  I mean, the world has gone on in spite of our greatest efforts to create complete chaos and something in that says, We are the creation.  Plain and simple.  I think about my new little nephew that I am going to hopefully meet TOMORROW!! His little life was planned by God, he was brought into the world as a part of a bigger plan.  God knew that Bryan and I would be his uncle and aunt and Jess and Jared would be his parents.  He knew my dad would be his grandpa.  Life isn't an accident, even though it's not always in our plans.  It's in His.  I pray that I will one day be able to fully embrace the freedom that this acknowledgment brings.  We are to strive to live like Him, He'll take care of the details.

I'm an AUNT!!

Can't believe it! He is actually here!!!!  Judah Thomas Gard was born November 1 at 10:19pm.  It's such an exciting time.  And SO incredibly hard to be so far from home right now.  Our family has been through so much these past few years that this time of great joy is hard to watch from a distance.  As I sat up last night...or I guess it was this morning, waiting to hear from my family, I kept dreaming of what it would have been like to have my mom here.  She would be so proud of Jared.  They always had a special relationship, that I don't really think alot of sons have with their moms.  It's hard to feel that hole that her presence in heaven leaves in our hearts.  I feel very much like I need to fill that role at times for Jared, but I know that he has a mom, though she's not here, but he needs a big sister too.  Every time something big like a wedding, birthday, or even holidays roll around it always brings back good memories and lots of emotion.  I don't know if God shares with my mom what's going on with us or not, but I still ask Him to.  She was actually the first person I told that I was pregnant.  It helps to bridge that gap in my mind and make her feel very much apart of what's happening now and not just the past.  I'm excited to see my dad in his new role as a grandpa too.  He has so much to offer little Judah and I know that he will be an amazing influence in his life. 
I am excited to be an aunt (not to discredit my 17 other nieces and nephews on Bryan's side:)  and to have the opportunity to be apart of this new phase for Jare and Jess. 
I have been praying for months about this time because I knew it would be hard.  God has worked it out that I will be going home on Friday and be able to be WITH my family.  It is a blessing and I don't want to lose sight of that just because I want to be there now.  God has a plan for Bryan and I and He knows that my hearts desire is to be an active part of my new little nephew's life.  I pray that He gives me the wisdom in how to do that.